Today....
Today I feel.... I feel productive.
I have really been on the move preparing for this big move to Jersey I have coming. I have also been in the process of growth. I recently realized that if I ever want to be truly happen, truly at peace, and truly in a state of constant growth, I must reconcile with people and events of my past. I have to learn how to forgive, even if I can never forget.
Therefore, I am in the process of reaching out to people who I felt had really hurt me in the past. My psyche told me that if they were able to really hurt me as bad as they did, it would be better to remove them from my space and my life. Besides, why should I suffer because I opened my heart and let people in my space who only transferred negative or painful vibes (not that painful neccessarily eqautes to bad/negative). And so, as a defense mechanism, I realized that it would be easier to remove people from my life as opposed to confront and discuss how I felt.
Boy/Girl was I wrong? For so long the people and things that I tried to let go of has had an extreme hold on my life. Why do I flea away from guys and serious relationships with men? Lesbianism... NO... my incomplete relationship with my father whom I cut off because I was hurt when he left and even more hurt when he couldn't live up to his promise to always be my father and great dad... exactly correct. Why was it easy for me to end friendships with people who could not live up to my standards of a true friend and freindship? I'm selfish... NOT AT ALL... as a child I was scolded by family members that I was too kind, too nice, and let too many of my so-called friends take advantage of me and until I wised up and toughened up, I would always get hurt in the end... POSSIBLY YES.
These are just a few of the prime examples of how my past, by never really addressing it and instead removing people and memories from my life, has been able to enter and control my present and therefore my future. So now, I have been in the process of changing the way I think and deal with pain. I have been facing it head on. I even call my father and talk. I know this will not change the past but it may change the future. I am growing during the process, and this is the greatest part of it all. This is an ideal example of how pain can sometime be good... because the result of dealing with pain or painful memories/experiences is that there is a lesson in every struggle and a blessing in every lesson.
As Abu Bakr said "truth is a trust and lies are treason." If I want to ever find truth and be content with myself and the path of life I have journeyed, I must face all aspects of my life. To remove people and events from my life/memory without fully dealing with them first would be to lie to myself because I am fooling myself into thinking that if I ignore something it will truly disappear. I am on a search for tuth and in order to find it, I have now learned to be open and alert to all things in my life... especially my past, present, and future.
I have really been on the move preparing for this big move to Jersey I have coming. I have also been in the process of growth. I recently realized that if I ever want to be truly happen, truly at peace, and truly in a state of constant growth, I must reconcile with people and events of my past. I have to learn how to forgive, even if I can never forget.
Therefore, I am in the process of reaching out to people who I felt had really hurt me in the past. My psyche told me that if they were able to really hurt me as bad as they did, it would be better to remove them from my space and my life. Besides, why should I suffer because I opened my heart and let people in my space who only transferred negative or painful vibes (not that painful neccessarily eqautes to bad/negative). And so, as a defense mechanism, I realized that it would be easier to remove people from my life as opposed to confront and discuss how I felt.
Boy/Girl was I wrong? For so long the people and things that I tried to let go of has had an extreme hold on my life. Why do I flea away from guys and serious relationships with men? Lesbianism... NO... my incomplete relationship with my father whom I cut off because I was hurt when he left and even more hurt when he couldn't live up to his promise to always be my father and great dad... exactly correct. Why was it easy for me to end friendships with people who could not live up to my standards of a true friend and freindship? I'm selfish... NOT AT ALL... as a child I was scolded by family members that I was too kind, too nice, and let too many of my so-called friends take advantage of me and until I wised up and toughened up, I would always get hurt in the end... POSSIBLY YES.
These are just a few of the prime examples of how my past, by never really addressing it and instead removing people and memories from my life, has been able to enter and control my present and therefore my future. So now, I have been in the process of changing the way I think and deal with pain. I have been facing it head on. I even call my father and talk. I know this will not change the past but it may change the future. I am growing during the process, and this is the greatest part of it all. This is an ideal example of how pain can sometime be good... because the result of dealing with pain or painful memories/experiences is that there is a lesson in every struggle and a blessing in every lesson.
As Abu Bakr said "truth is a trust and lies are treason." If I want to ever find truth and be content with myself and the path of life I have journeyed, I must face all aspects of my life. To remove people and events from my life/memory without fully dealing with them first would be to lie to myself because I am fooling myself into thinking that if I ignore something it will truly disappear. I am on a search for tuth and in order to find it, I have now learned to be open and alert to all things in my life... especially my past, present, and future.
posted by Alleviation at 11:39 AM
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