No Complaints For Me!!!

I feel wonder...
I feel wonderfully blessed to be who I am and maintain the ability to constantly improve who I am by using the experiences I endure.
I feel excited...
I feel excitedly happy by the joy I receive from understanding and strengthening my strengths in addition to my weaknesses.

I am having a great day... not because anything spectacular happened; just because I am gaining insight regarding the direction my life is taking. I am beginning to learn how to better cope with stressful situations and grow more from self-analysis in addition to acknowledging my self-importance.

Do I still have a lot to do? Absolutely; however, I am understanding the power of time management, undying motivation, and positive affirmations. I am determined to start and complete all of my lesson plans for next week TONIGHT in order to meet tomorrow's submission deadline of 8:00 a.m.

But I decided to take a moment to acknowledge how I am feeling... this skill is becomming an integral part of my successful survival!!!

God Grant Me...

God... Please grant me the strength to endure the pressure; the power to overlook
the pain.

The piece of mind needed to have a peace of mind and the ability to see
the end despite the current obstacles.

Grant me the motivation I need and the happiness I desire...

But most of all, grant me with your presence and the irrefutable knowledge to know that you are always by my side.... just a single call away!!!

And So It All Begins....

"Argh!!!! What is that noise?" she said. "That stupid alarm clock is sounding!"

Stupid... not really. Faithful with a Purpose...absolutely. That was indeed the same alarm that had served and continues serving as her constant reminder that she has a regimented routine. But how could she move? It felt as if she had just laid down three hours ago. Revelation... she did just lie down three hours ago. Reality has juset set in.

But is it possible that this was in fact her new reality? Long arduous days ending at 2:00 a.m. and short peaceful nights being forcefully interrupted by the sound of the 5:00 a.m. drill sergeant in which most like to call "The Alarm".

"Why me...why now? I'm so tired!!!" But in the midst of her complaints, she realized that this newfound, underappreciated morning regime served a purpose. Although she was sacrificing much desired rest in exchange for extended days of stress, pedagogical overload, and fatigue, it was beginning to all make sense and seem well worth it. "Despite the fact that I am tired and desire just ten more minutes of sleep, just one time to hit the snooze button and allow my mind, body and spirit to explore 'death's second cousin' ," also known as sleep in more euphemistic terms , "I have to get up. For today marks a pivitol and monumental moment in my life. Today is the day that I begin my extensive summer training with Teach For America. Today, my reality to serve as a social agent for change begins. Today, I now make the promise to teach for America!!!"

Motivated, inspired, and dedicated... she rises.

She is I...

Today marks the beginning of what is sure to be a strenuous summer; but I will not complain. Just allow me to maintain the mindset that at the end, I will be a trained teacher affecting the lives of today's youth and tomorrow's leaders.

I begin summer institute... and boy was this a long day. It began at 5:00 a.m. and my Teach For America (TFA) trainings are just now coming to a close at 10:00 p.m. However, I can not succumb to sleep just yet. I have to read and complete written assignements for tomorrow's similiarly identical agenda.

(Pause)

I take a moment to breath... I take a second to pray for peace and serenity. I will survive this six week training. I will be a contribution to underpriveleged communities. Despite my fatigue, anxiety, frustration, confusion, etc. I will perservere. I will remain humble and devoted. I am grateful for this experience and all that accompanies it. Therefore, this particular blog serves as not only my catharsis to cope with the stress of my first day, it also serves as an outlet for me to express my undying commitment and endless gratitude. Nothing great is worth having if it does not involve a struggle. In every struggle lies a lesson; and in every lesson lies a blessing. And so my struggle continues...

Motivated, inspired, and dedicated... She rises. And She is I.

The Amazing Adventures of Me!!!!

What I am about to tell you is top secret. To reveal the cladestine information is synonymous to asking for the death sentence. So truthfully... can you handle it?

I had a most fulfilling and adventurous day today.

Last night, I went to a party in Philly and had a ball. I socialized and experimented with liquids or adult beverages... I'm not an alchy by the way... and learned how to play beer pong. I had a blast. I did not leave the party until about 3:30 a.m. and I had to ride back to New Jersey to pack my clothes so that I could make the 8:00 a.m. bus to Temple (back in Philly).

I was tired this morning; but like all things, I pressed on. Then I decided that I needed to be productive today and so I walked through Philly, caught the subway (a dirty-dirty place), and then hopped on to the PATCO (which is a train that crosses from Philly to Jersey). I viewed some apartments and absolutely fell in love.

Emotionally, I feel good. Evidently, I woke up on the right side of the bed or the Creator blessed with an extra dose of insight to just appreciate life.

Don't really know what else to blog about today, but I will have something new for you tomorrow... new time, new topic.... Secret Agent Allieviation signing off

My Intense Day Of Thinking

I woke up early this morning feeling great. I really do love life!!!

Getting into moods of deep thought... self-analysis is a MONSTER-- it will either make you hate or love yourself. So where do I stand? I'm in a constant state of not knowing; But self-hatred is not an option!!!!!!!!

Had a great conversation today with some interesting folks at breakfast. Nothing makes my day better than stimulating conversation.

Food for thought--- It's okay to be me--- but now the hard part is figuring out who I am!!!

Went out last night (I needed this). I relaxed and let loose. Met some new faces, danced a while, drank socially, and socialized. It was relaxing and fun. Did I mention that I needed this? I needed to feel the vibes of other people; just forget about all that needed to be done tomorrow and just enjoy the now.

I feel refreshed... anew... amazed... confused

I've been moody lately; but the best part about my moodiness is that I have great moments of reflection and contemplation. I've been thinking alot about who I am and who I want to become. I wonder if finding a middle ground would be like settling or comprimising. Who knows????

Without growth, one is dead; therefore, to grow is to live.... Man, I'm growing!!!

This is what today has been like. Jumbled thoughts that makes no sense collectively, but individually, they all make sense.

Today is my Day of Intense Thinking!!!!!

Did I mention that I woke up feeling great... and I love myself more today than I did yesterday.... and hopefully more tomorrow.

Things are Looking Up for Me

Let's start off with a sigh for the Pistons... I really thought they had it!!!

So this morning I woke up at 7:00 a.m. to prepare for my job interview with the principals and superintendants of Camden, New Jersey. I was stressed b/c I did not know anything about the District, was not sure what they would ask, and did not feel prepared. Then I arrive there and my interviewers are late. So I began chatting with some of the other people interviewing for the same jobs and we are laughing, joking, exchanging useful information to help out with the interview, etc. The whole time I am thinking "How great this feels... no worries, thoughts, or anxieties... Just much needed conversing and relaxing.

Finally, the interviewers arrive thirty to forty-five minutes late (sigh... they can do this because they have pull and power in the educational arena of Camden... and besides, things happen). I enter the interview and behold-- I had the best interview of my life. I was relaxed, charismatic, attentive, creative in my responses, confident, etc. I enjoyed that period of time within that short period of space immensly. After the interview, they said that they were impressed with me and that I was highly qualified to teach in Camden.

Things are starting to look up for me. I am beginning to see my place in God's plan for my life. It will be tough but I feel like everything is beginning to come into place. Yesterday, I was in a sour mood; I guess I was experiencing separation anxiety or something. But now, I can feel within my spirit that things are looking up for me. I know it will get tougher; but anything worth having never comes easy. My complaints of yesterday have been replaced with faith in tomorrow, or faith in the next hour, minute, and second.

I CAN DO THIS!!!!!!!!!!!

And So Today I...

I feel very different today. I am in New Jersey at the Teach for America induction trainings and all I can think about is how differently I feel today. There are 49 people here with me; only three of them look like me. After leaving Spelman College in Atlanta, it is hard to convert back to being the minority... being under-represented. But that is not the focus.

I am meeting people with the traditional "Hello, my name is ... and you are..." and nothing is sticking. I do not have my car so I cannot really get to South Jersey to apartment shop and I still feel different.

Heard a beautiful poem today by Mariam Wright Elderman and I was inspired. I take the responsibility for the children who... the poem said. And with each line, I knew that those were the same children I would endlessly assume the responsibility for... and yet I feel different today... a little different from how I felt yesturday and a whole lot differently from how I felt a week ago.

I am not complaining because each new experience brings a lesson, but I am flustered because I feel different and yet I still have not been able to identify exactly how I feel!!!!!!!!!

Taadaahhhhh... It's Here!!!

So, today is my last day in Atlanta (sigh!!!!) and I am making final preparations for my departure (sigh again only this time I sigh really loudly). All of the emotions that I was afraid to acknowledge have rushed upon me today... I am very sentimental and very saddened... in fact, I did not feel half this emotional at grdautaion.

I guess that is because this is really it... I am leaving the Black Mecca of Atlanta, a place where it was okay to be different, extremely conscious, and outside of the box, and moving to the unknown and unfamiliar territory of New Jersey. I guess I am saddened because I have spent the last four years of my life in Atlanta growing, developing, and blossoming into the woman I am today. I feel as if I have changed so much during that short period of time and I truly like the person I have become. It is probably so hard to say goodbye to Atlanta because I have had the time of my life here... I've met priceless people and endured unforgetable experiences. So, after much anticipation, taadaahhh... it's finally here.

The day that I must say goodbye has arrived. I must pack up and leave in order to begin a new chapter in the story of my life. Who knows what to expect? I don't. But I am perservering full speed ahead.

Today....

Today I feel.... I feel productive.

I have really been on the move preparing for this big move to Jersey I have coming. I have also been in the process of growth. I recently realized that if I ever want to be truly happen, truly at peace, and truly in a state of constant growth, I must reconcile with people and events of my past. I have to learn how to forgive, even if I can never forget.

Therefore, I am in the process of reaching out to people who I felt had really hurt me in the past. My psyche told me that if they were able to really hurt me as bad as they did, it would be better to remove them from my space and my life. Besides, why should I suffer because I opened my heart and let people in my space who only transferred negative or painful vibes (not that painful neccessarily eqautes to bad/negative). And so, as a defense mechanism, I realized that it would be easier to remove people from my life as opposed to confront and discuss how I felt.

Boy/Girl was I wrong? For so long the people and things that I tried to let go of has had an extreme hold on my life. Why do I flea away from guys and serious relationships with men? Lesbianism... NO... my incomplete relationship with my father whom I cut off because I was hurt when he left and even more hurt when he couldn't live up to his promise to always be my father and great dad... exactly correct. Why was it easy for me to end friendships with people who could not live up to my standards of a true friend and freindship? I'm selfish... NOT AT ALL... as a child I was scolded by family members that I was too kind, too nice, and let too many of my so-called friends take advantage of me and until I wised up and toughened up, I would always get hurt in the end... POSSIBLY YES.

These are just a few of the prime examples of how my past, by never really addressing it and instead removing people and memories from my life, has been able to enter and control my present and therefore my future. So now, I have been in the process of changing the way I think and deal with pain. I have been facing it head on. I even call my father and talk. I know this will not change the past but it may change the future. I am growing during the process, and this is the greatest part of it all. This is an ideal example of how pain can sometime be good... because the result of dealing with pain or painful memories/experiences is that there is a lesson in every struggle and a blessing in every lesson.

As Abu Bakr said "truth is a trust and lies are treason." If I want to ever find truth and be content with myself and the path of life I have journeyed, I must face all aspects of my life. To remove people and events from my life/memory without fully dealing with them first would be to lie to myself because I am fooling myself into thinking that if I ignore something it will truly disappear. I am on a search for tuth and in order to find it, I have now learned to be open and alert to all things in my life... especially my past, present, and future.

A New Beginning

A new beginning... Aaaaahhhhh, how refreshingly terrifying it can be. This is my first time inserting a blog on this wonderful thing known as Bloggers Anonymous and I am unsure of what I should or would like to say. Therefore, I will just sit here for a second and allow my fingers to do the talking that my mouth and and mind are too lackadaisical to say.

Every day of life is a new beginning: there is always something new you will accomplish, encounter, or endeavor... there is a lways a new lesson to learn and a new concept to teach... Inevitably, there will always be someone anew to love and appreciate while receiving love in return. The problem or complex decision is detrmining whether or not to accept the newness of life.

I am learning to not only accept but to also grasp the beauty of change... even when the change is something I had not anticipated or desired. For instance, I am a recent Spelman College graduate who is about to make one of my greatest transitions ever. In Atlanta, I was content, comfoprtable, and aware. I had amazing friends, priceless memories, and familiarity with my surroundings. I knew what was going on and when it was going on. In one sentence, I was happy!!!! But now, I have to relocate to the unfamiliar, distance myself from those friends of mine I cherish, and start over new. This is a hard realization: My Jaunt into an Abysmal Vortex. Who knows what the results will be; will I love it or hate it? Only time will tell. The one thing I know is that everything happens for a reason and at the end of this journey is a lesson or experience that will only make me stronger, better, and more developed. It is a change, a fresh awakening, a new beginning... and deep down, I can't wait o see what will become of this new walk down life's path.